


:33 < nepeta leijon trolls the united nations

by lea_hazel



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alien Invasion, Community: captchalogue, Gen, Roleplaying Character, Trolling, United Nations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-05
Updated: 2011-06-05
Packaged: 2017-10-20 04:23:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/208692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lea_hazel/pseuds/lea_hazel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nepeta Leijon trolls the United Nations. UN officials respond as though they are characters in a B-grade alien invasion movie. Hilarity ensues and/or rocks fall.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Anon requested Nepeta pulling her RP nonsense on serious business people.
> 
> I am posting this separately to Trollslum because it ended up kind of long, with multiple logical chapters.

Thank you for your interest in the United Nations.

Your e-mail address  
arsenic.catnip@trollian.alt

Subject  
big game hunting!

Message  
:33 < *the rogue of heart wishes to explore the vast and tempting wilderness of this alien planet, in search of the most delicious game!*  
:33 < *purrhaps she will even sink her sharp claws into the most elusive b33st of all*  
:33 < *the human, of course*  


June 12th, 2008, United Nations offices, Geneva, Switzerland

"Gentlemen."

The murmurs in the room silenced all at once, and every occupant turned his head towards the speaker. He was a tall, impressive-looking man in a well-tailored suit, and his expression was grim. He clicked a device in his hand, and a large image was plastered on the screen behind him.

"Some time last night we received an anonymous communique with a decidedly hostile tone. All efforts to trace its source have proved futile. We have no way to determine whether this is a genuine threat, or some punk's idea of a hilarious joke." His expression suggested he did not find this, or anything else, particularly hilarious.

"The IP address can't be traced?" asked another besuited man.

"There is no IP address," answered the speaker ominously.

"The hacker used a proxy of some sort," guessed one of the others.

"No," said the speaker flatly. "It wasn't a hidden IP adress, there was no address at all."

"Meaning?"

The speaker sighed and squeezed the bridge of his nose. "I can't believe I'm saying this out loud, but... the source of the message may not be... strictly speaking... from Earth."

The room's occupants appeared to be too shocked even to gasp.


	2. Chapter 2

Your e-mail address  
arsenic.catnip@trollian.alt

Subject  
the most dangerous game!

Message  
:33 < *ac apurroaches the humans with caution*  
:33 < *they have purroven quite cunning in the past!*  
:33 < *that is what makes them such cattractive prey for the most undef33ted of all hunters*  


December 6th, 2008

"Gentlemen."

The room nodded silently at the speaker.

"It appears our mysterious hacker has struck again. What's more, he has struck mere days before the record of his first threat was permanently expunged. Clearly, he is intimately familiar with the inner workings of our threat assessment experts. Would you?"

He nodded to the man standing behind him and to his left, a much less impressive man wearing a rumpled sweatshirt and a five o'clock shadow.

"Uh, um, gentlemen. As, uh, my associate, I mean boss, has already explained, the source of these threats cannot be traced. They don't appear to originate from any point on Earth, and in fact, we have no idea how they reached the internet. Its choice of language, uh, does seem to indicate a prank of some sort, especially with the continued references to... er. References to cannibalism."

A murmur ran through the room.

The suited man spoke up. "While it is tempting to dismiss this threat as too wild to be geniune, let us remember that, historically, cases of cannibalism are not undocumented. I speak of certain serial killers, and of course, certain acts of war."

"Do you think this can be taken as an act of war against humankind?" asked another suited man.

The speaker narrowed his eyes and clenched his mouth. "We can't afford to rule out anything, at this point."


	3. Chapter 3

Your e-mail address  
arsenic.catnip@trollian.alt

Subject  
the furrocious hunter apurroaches!

Message  
:33 < *ac is purrplexed by the behavior of this new prey!*  
:33 < *they nefur s33m to respond to the warning calls of the furrocious b33st, although she has warned them sefural times*  
:33 < *purrhaps further res33rch is in order*  


February 16th, 2009

"Gentlemen," said the speaker. His suit was not quite as pristine as his coworkers were used to seeing it, and his face had a certain ragged cast. "It appears the threat has escalated. The alien, and yes, I feel confident in refferring to it as such. The alien has brazenly declared its threat to all of humankind."

"It's taunting us," said another man, staring intently at the words projected on the massive screen.

"Yes," said the speaker, "it is taunting us, it thinks it has a position of superiority. But we will not rise to the bait it set us, we cannot afford to. The best minds of a generation are working on tracing the origin of the messages, and threat alert for cyber crime has been raised to its penultimate level."

"What have the experts found?" asked one of the crowd.

From behind the suited man, a man in uniform pushed his way forward. "The greatest military scientists have been analyzing the data that these breaches have produced," he said. The suited man shot him a dirty look, but the officer just puffed up his chest. "They speculate that the origin of the messages may not be in this current time."

This time, everyone in the room did gasp.

The suited man thought his military rival looked a little too smug.


	4. Chapter 4

Your e-mail address  
arsenic.catnip@trollian.alt

Subject  
my unsuspecting prey!

Message  
:33 < *this time the rogue of heart f33ls confurdent in her appurroach*  
:33 < *she has trolled I m33n catted the earth human internet and discofured all there is to know about her exciting prey*  
:33 < *the pawtious hunter never strikes without purrparing befurhand, of course*  


March 14th, 2009

"The messages are getting closer together," said the officer, "and we are running out of time. As the timeline analysis shows," he waved importantly at the chart on the screen behind him, "there is a clear trend of escalation. This creature's threats won't remain verbal forever."

"What do we do?" asked the suited man. "We can't prepare for a threat that won't reveal itself. We have no idea what we're up against!"

The officer pounded his fist on the table. "We do what we must. Sooner or later, this alien will be landing on our planet. It will be hostile, and it won't be alone. A year from now, maybe six months, maybe less. Hell, a month from now we could be fighting a full-blown alien invasion!"

The room was silent as those present tried to wrap their minds around the gravity of the situation.

"Now, we have alarms in place," said the officer. "Intelligence agencies the world over are monitoring communications, and our tech office right here has a 24/7 watch on all incoming messages. As soon as the alien sees fit to contact us again, situation rooms across five continents go into red alert."

"What will that achieve?" asked the suited man tiredly.

The man in uniform grimaced. "If and when these alien scum land, every soldier on the planet will be armed and ready to meet them. They will find this prey very difficult to digest indeed."


	5. Chapter 5

Your e-mail address  
arsenic.catnip@trollian.alt

Subject  
purrhaps this was a bad idea…

Message  
:33 < karkitty says it's not okay to scare the humans anymore  
:33 < and to say sorry, so, i'm sorry humans! i promise i was never going to eat you!  
:33 < it's just a game! friends?  


April 13th, 2009

Bright red alerts flashed on every computer in every cubicle in the tech department in the Geneva United Nations offices, yet no one was there to read or respond to the conciliatory message that they heralded. The offices, and in fact the whole building, was abandoned.

At the first sign of the meteors the building had buzzed with activity, yet as time passed, a special order had been issued. All personel were excused and sent home, to spend what remained of the day with their loved ones. Indeed, a particularly large meteor was headed towards this very stately building, with the columns of national flags at its front. In less than an hour there would be nothing left but rubble.

For a few minutes more, the green words flashed on a dozen computer screens. Their sender sat curled upon her computer chair, in another universe, in another time, staring at her own screen. For the rest of the day, or what remained of it, she wondered why she'd never gotten a response.


End file.
